Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I have been meaning to get into the routine of writing each night before falling into bed. I'll get there.

Several 'things,' for lack of a better description, came together for me recently, in a state of pure exhaustion - teasing sleep, all surrounding the concept of Multiplicity. I have been reading a book called "Who is Running your Life?" At first, I was somewhat embarrassed by it - afraid it was a self-help book full of bullshit. Instead, the conceptualization of the self is so groundbreaking that it holds as much weight and instruction as I imagine Freud or Jung's theories may have had when they were first introduced. The book is clearly published through a print-on-demand service, is nothing fabulous to look at, but the concept of the self is something I have never encountered. In a nutshell, the idea is that every individual human being is made up of a family or community of inner sub-selves all vying for control/recognition/acceptance. I will not attempt to flush out the details, but I have been repeatedly surprised by the feeling of learning something very useful directly about my inner workings from a book. Generally, I find publications designed to teach me something about myself to be filled with utter crap and/or things I already know. This book is not.

I've still been reading works for the "Cinema and Its Doubles" film course - exploring fragmentation, doubling, and multiplicity in images, with their psychological symbolism.

Also - the artist whose work I have been studying as part of my employed work has done a series of collages featuring many many images of himself, in different postures, garb, etc. A large part of his explorations seem to have been grounded in the formation of an outer identity and/or persona -- also a fragmentation of self.

There has been at least one other encounter with multiplicity in my current studies that I cannot put my finger on at the moment.

I have been frustrated, for months now, with a general lack of direction in my work (as an artist). Having less time to exist in the studio, (and still questioning the relevance of "studio"), I have become discontented with my older methods of working. In the past, I was satisfied to keep making, regardless of concept. Instead of developing a solid conceptual framework for my work before picking up materials, I experimented very loosely with many media, in a sense very stream-of-conscious, but also somewhat haphazard. I studied chance and the I-Ching, but never found the experience to be thoroughly sustainable and/or especially inspired.

So, ... I have stopped mindlessly making, making, making, and have felt my hands literally ache to create. But my mind has not caught up, has not been "in on" my artistic work, so I have abstained. This surfacing of the multiple in very disparate (yet connected) current avenues of study has me incredibly excited. I feel as though I may be coming around from a very large, wide, circular detour ... back to myself(ves?). This feeling makes breathing more satisfying. I am beginning to feel connected.

I will keep studying, keep exploring and allowing myself a reprieve from the mindless making. I am embracing what comes.

There is a screening of "The Golem" in Portland, tomorrow night, with a live original musical score. I am thinking of bringing the kids.

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