Saturday, August 23, 2008


I am wrecked. No longer reading anything related to film. No longer researching Multiplicity. Simply moving through time, readying for another uprooting... this time from the rural setting I now enjoy to the most urban little city Maine has to offer (which isn't saying much).

The moving process has lodged new ideas in my mind, for upcoming series of works. One involves the plastic containers children's toys (and potentially other items) are packaged in. I'd like to find a substance and way of making molds to the exact shape of the plastic containers (without melting the plastic), then work with the surface of the plaster, wax, salt (I haven't decided) with paint, dye, etc. (I think). The abstract shapes are interesting to me, and I have been seeking out a way of pulling materials from the status quo. I'd like to riff off of everyday settings, look at materials in a different way, shift the context and assign new meaning.

In the same vein, I have become interested in doing something with the stock images used in frames. I came across a series of black-and-white images while I was packing family photos. I was inspired by the implication that these would/should be "everyday" images - people on swings, by the beach, in shorts, etc. I'd like to explore more of where that leads.

And then, ... my D70 is currently in the shop (a very sad thing, but sometimes another roundabout method of inspiration - inevitably I am struck by a new series of photo works whenever my camera is on the fritz). I wish I had it to photograph packed boxes before I tape them shut. There is something about the simple shapes of objects wrapped in newsprint that satisfies my love of texture, sense of order and exploration of object-dom. I consistently waffle while packing between the mindless space of simply wrapping things in paper, or placing them in boxes and the more inquisitive space of questioning why I carry these things with me, around and in my life ... so many objects I have not thought about since they were unpacked and placed on shelves, or in drawers. There are boxes still packed, unopened, from when I landed on the East Coast, last year. Boxes of my father's things, inherited when he passed away in 2005. Still not gone through/gotten rid-of/absorbed... Some things I keep because it would pain me to get rid of them and then want them, later...(right). Some things are obviously useful, in the present, or some not-too-distant future. Other things I am saving, for my children, for moments of solitude I have yet to carve into... and then, thankfully, I am finding myself surprisingly inspired by many of my belongings. (I am one of those people who had the acid trip where I really did throw away all of my belongings (down the garbage chute of my college dorm) and decide I wanted to walk the Earth with nothing but the clothes on my back, so the idea of inspiration through things is a bit shocking.) It is as though there is an entire "other" life contained within many of my things - books I would love to read, materials that inspire me and push me to create, little trinkets or adornments I bet I could use some other way. And yet, I use and see maybe 10% of these things in my daily life. I am stuck and struck by habit, perhaps, and within a getting-by that keeps me in blinders. I don't know why I have chosen to live this way, or if I can say I have chosen it, at all. I recognize a profound need for solitude and stillness coupled with a deep-seated fear of being alone. I need calm, and yet can be terrified of the experiences it will bring. My life is filled with objects of solitude, but I have not claimed the time in which to enjoy them.

And ugh!!! --- I have stopped drinking alcohol. It has been more difficult than I ever imagined, making me think it's an even better idea than I originally thought. I am attempting to face the fuck out of any demons I have lurking around inside. No more escaping from myself. (I wouldn't recommend this to anyone.) I MISS escaping, and have noticed all the other ways I have developed to take the place of drinking... eating, random movie watching, online surfing, working myself nearly to death. Walking around and viewing the world through the lens of addiction, I realize I do not know a single non-addicted soul. Not one. Even my children seem to need their fixes - video games, movies, sugar, ... And I have been dialoguing internally about whether it's all that bad - I really ENJOY my addictions. Many of them. (Damn a beer would be good.) I figure I'll try to stick with this for a full year (April Fool's Day to April Fool's Day) and then see where I'm at. Maybe I'll knock out the other addictions, too, ... fuck.

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